Heroes of Santa Poco
by Random Guise
Summary: Based on the movie ¡Three Amigos! about a year after the events in the film. Happy, Dusty and Ned find that they are needed again in the town they saved previously but now their reputations are on the line as well. I don't own these characters, but I have seen a silent film before.


**A/N: Takes place a year after the movie ¡Three Amigos!**

* * *

Heroes of Santa Poco

Lucky Day paced outside the door labeled 'Harry Flugleman, God'. Harry Flugleman wasn't God, but at Goldsmith Pictures he was the closest thing to a deity on the lot; the horde of lackeys and yes-men only reinforced the image.

"Do you think he's going to fire us again?" asked Dusty Bottoms. "He's already done it once, so we know he's pretty good at it."

" _Pretty good at it,_ the man says" Ned Nederlander offered. "Last time they threw us out on the street in our underwear." The three friends, who together portrayed the Three Amigos in silent film, had gone into the office asking for more money and ended up being cast off the lot. Through a misunderstanding they had gone down to Mexico thinking they were going to perform a personal appearance in the town of Santa Poco. Instead, they ended up saving the town for real from the pillaging of a local bad guy by the name of El Guapo and his band of henchmen led by Jeffe.

"Yes," Lucky explained "but this time is different. After word of our heroic deeds spread, our movies were popular again. The studio had no choice after we ran our stunt doubles off but to rehire us to make more pictures. They'd never get rid of us again." Inside the office they could hear muffled yelling. "Well, probably not anyway." The volume of yelling increased. "There's a slight chance we'll get out of here alive."

The door was opened suddenly by Harry's flunky Morty and through the door the three could see Flugleman at his desk, slamming down a telephone. "Sam! Fire my legal team! Hire more expensive lawyers!"

"Not hard sir, I don't think there are any cheaper lawyers than the ones you just fired" Sam commented as he hurried out the door.

"...and make sure they speak Mexicano!" Harry yelled in a voice that Sam probably could have heard from the street. He suddenly became aware of the three actors standing outside the door. "Come on in!" he welcomed.

"If you're having problems we could come back" Dusty offered.

"I always have problems, it's why I sleep so good at night. GET IN HERE!" The three practically jumped from the doorway to the desk. "Have a seat."

Happy looked around and saw no chairs. "We'll stand, thank you."

"I...SAID...SIT!"

All three immediately sat on the spot of the floor they stood. Dusty and Happy's chins were just above the level of the desk; only the very top of Ned's head was visible to Harry. "Gentlemen, we have a problem. The Three Amigos movies are a hit in Mexico."

"That's great!" enthused Ned, his voice a little muffled from the front of the desk.

"Yes...and no. The people down there love your movies now, and we've got all your films traveling around to every little spot on the map we can find. Thanks to your little adventure, 1918 is turning out to be the year of the Amigo."

"That's good" Happy agreed.

"But now there are three clowns calling themselves the Tres Caballeros pretending to be you. When they aren't downright stealing from the people, they are conning them out of their hard-earned _dinero_."

"Maybe the people should just eat lunch-o then" Dusty offered.

"Dinero is money" Happy explained.

"I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS" Harry yelled "even if makeup-brain here doesn't. What it really means is that these guys are giving you a bad name, and that means it's giving ME a bad name. Any ideas what we can do about it?" He started to grin.

"We could write a strongly-worded letter and ask them to stop" Ned suggested.

"Nobody reads any more" Harry growled.

"Maybe send down goons to rough them up" Happy offered.

"Goons are too valuable to send to Santa Poco" Harry said as he stood and leaned over his desk to look at the three. "No, I'm thinking of three gentlemen who are more expendable" he said as he grinned very broadly.

"I like the sound of that: expendable. Sounds like expensive" added Dusty.

...

Unlike their previous visit to Santa Poco, the three actors had three horses with them this time. Astride their steeds they neared the town they had rescued. It was now 1918, but nothing had changed since their departure the previous year. The Tubman 601 was parked at the edge of town, a coat of dust covering the red paint of the biplane. As they paused to admire the plane that had aided their escape from El Guapo's stronghold, their presence was detected and soon they were surrounded by the town's people.

"We have returned" Happy announced as he addressed the crowd.

"You weren't gone that long" a small boy named Pablo commented as he ran up to Dusty. "Here's your watch back, Senor Dusty."

"I gave that to you to keep Pablo, so you could remember us."

"No, you can have it back. I'll always remember you anyway" Pablo gushed as he handed the watch back "because it doesn't work right either."

"Uh, thanks."

Off to the side, Rosita Benita and Ferrari Caliente stood and waved demurely at Dusty and Ned respectively. Happy searched the crowd, and shouted "Carmen!" as a woman detached herself from a man's embrace and approached.

"Hello, Senor Happy" Carmen Sanchez said with joy.

"I said I'd be back" Happy said, a sad look on his face.

"And I have been waiting for you! But you can't expect me to wait alone can you? I assure you Juan means almost nothing to me."

" _Almost_ nothing?"

Carmen shrugged her shoulders. "Well, compared to you! Are you here to defeat the Tres Caballeros?"

All three became alert, not a normal state for them. "Have they been here?"

Carmen's father stepped forward and spoke. "They came through last week and demanded tribute to be paid when they return. Will you help us?" Juan asked.

Ned straightened up. "I've got a few dollars on me..."

"And what about when they come back? Evil always wants a second helping" Happy stated. "Besides, we'll always have a home in Santa Poco!" He bent over and whispered to Carmen's mother "That offer of always having a home here still stands, doesn't it?"

"Si" she said enthusiastically.

He straigtened up and continued his speech. "Then we must defend our home away from home, even if we don't have a home to be away from. And what about the other villages? Who will protect Santa un Pocomas? And Santa Lucia? And Santa FiFi? No, we must put an end to this tyranny so that you can grow and develop your own corrupt government independently."

"Where do these Tres Caballeros hang out?" Dusty asked.

"In El Guapo's old hacienda" Juan answered. "Come, rest and tell us what you are going to do."

The three dismounted and Carmen's little brother Rodrigo led the horses off while the actors walked over to the nearest building. Ned attempted to sit on the bench in the front, only to jump off with a "Yow! What was that?"

"You told us to take the Invisible Swordsman and lay him to rest, so we put him on the bench where he can rest in peace" Juan explained. Dusty had accidentally shot the warrior when they summoned him for help.

"When I said 'lay him to rest', it meant bury him" Happy sighed.

"Oh, that explains that terrible smell last year; but now everyone knows enough not to sit on the invisible skeleton."

"But what's that horrible noise?" Dusty asked. In the distance there could be heard some very odd singing.

"We transplanted the singing bush in our town, but I think we damaged some of its roots when we dug it up" Carmen explained. "Now he only sings the last song he hears." She listened for a moment before continuing. "It's that song the Tres Caballeros were singing when they rode in."

They walked over to where the bush was shaking as it sang its song:

 _Each town for the taking, every last one_  
 _The Tres Caballeros are we_  
 _When dinero is gone our job is done_  
 _Tres Caballeros_  
 _Evil will lead us and then greed will feed us_  
 _In crime we're always together_  
 _And wherever we go, good is a no-show_  
 _We will do these deeds forever_

 _We're the Tres Cabelleros_  
 _We're the Tres Cabelleros_  
 _We're the Tres Cabelleros_  
 _We'll do this forever you'll see_

"Catchy tune" Dusty said.

"That's because it's _our_ tune," Ned added "just perverted for their needs. It makes me sick."

"Sure that wasn't the burritos we ate for lunch?" Dusty asked.

Lucky raised his voice. "Santa Poco, hear this: We, the Three Amigos, will protect you. By the time those three villains return, we'll have a foolproof plan to defeat them and leave you free once more. Now, just when do you expect them back?"

"Four days" Juan answered.

"Four days? This...is not going to be easy" Happy admitted.

...

Later that night, the three lay down inside a house that was given to them.

"Our home in Santa Poco, as promised" Happy said as he leaned back on a bedroll.

Ned was already lying down. "The stars sure are pretty tonight" he said as he stared up. It was easy to do, as there was no longer any roof on the house. Even the outside of the building was charred, having been burned out by El Guapo when he was angered at being tricked during their first encounter.

"Well, they never promised it would be a _complete_ home. At least we have walls" Dusty noted. Outside, they could hear a crowd gathering.

Juan knocked near where the door would have been. "A thousand pardons, but we have some questions and need your wisdom."

"I'll take this" Happy said as he sat up. "What do you want to know?"

"You told us 'In a way, all of us have an El Guapo to face someday'. But we already faced El Guapo. Why do we have more trouble?"

"Ehem" Happy cleared his throat to buy time. "That meant...there will be one large trouble in all our lives that we must face someday, and it is different for each of us. It was an analogy."

"Or was it an idiom?" Ned asked.

"I think you mean a metaphor, senor Happy."

"Yes, of course. But just because you face one trouble and defeat it doesn't mean smaller ones don't come along as well. They just won't be called El Guapo is all."

"But what if El Guapo was the smaller one?" There were murmurs from the crowd as they started to voice their own questions. "What if someone else named El Guapo causes trouble?" "What if someone causes trouble and then changes his name to El Guapo?" "What if El Guapo, heading north to Chicago on a train at forty mph..."

"The name isn't important" Happy tried to explain as he cut them off. "Whatever the name is, you must rise above and defeat your troubles; that's all."

"Why didn't you say so!" Juan said, relieved. "That is so much easier to understand than a metaphor."

"Or an idiom" Ned whispered.

Relieved, the crowd went back to their homes. "That was close" Happy said with relief.

"Yeah, you almost had to think like a lawyer" Dusty observed.

"Expensive lawyers" Ned added. "But how are we going to rescue the town this time?"

Happy asked Ned "Do you remember what we did in our movie Amigos! Amigos! Amigos!"

"Sure, we used that trick last time to save Santa Poco. You don't think it will work again, do you?"

"No, they might have seen our movie. But I have another idea..."

...

Three days later Dusty and Happy stood in the main street of Santa Poco, with the bulk of the town's citizens behind them. It was quiet; even the bush wasn't singing. Overhead, the sun baked the town and its people as they waited for the showdown. Then, in the distance, could be heard the sound of horses as a dust cloud neared the town from the south. At the end of the street, the Tres Caballeros appeared with their mob and rode toward the citizens.

"Are you sure about that plan?" Dusty asked.

"Theoretically it sounded like it would work" Happy worried. "A few things had to go right for it to come together."

"How many things?"

"All of them."

The mob rode up and stopped short of the crowd. The three best-dressed started singing:

 _Each town for the taking, every one_  
 _The Tres Caballeros are we..._

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Happy interrupted.

The singing stopped and the three dismounted and walked up to Dusty and Happy. "Excuse me, did you interrupt our song?" one asked.

Dusty pointed at Happy.

"I did indeed. I am Happy Day, and this is Dusty Bottoms. Together, we are two of...the Three Amigos!" They performed their trademark greeting.

"It really works better with three" Dusty apologized.

"The Three Amigos? Good to meet you. I am Harpy Day, this is Rusty Bottoms and that is Del Nederlander; together, we are the Tres Caballeros!" They pulled out their guns and each shot the weather vane at the top of the nearest building.

"Can't you guys do anything original? Really?" Happy asked disgustedly.

"Why? You have created wonderful characters. The people like you and trust you. We get that same respect, and the people practically fall over themselves to meet our demands." He cocked his pistol. "If not, we encourage them other ways." His men laughed.

"You victimize innocent people, turning them into…victims. You take their trust and throw it out the window, door, or other large opening. You three caballeros, and I use the term lightly because I don't know what it means, give a bad name to good guys."

Carmen's mother stepped forward and blasted a torrent of Spanish, ending by spitting on the ground.

"Whatever she said" Dusty agreed.

"You guys are funnier in person than on camera" Harpy grinned. "It will be a shame to kill you, but my men won't respect me if I don't."

"I respect you" Dusty offered "and I think I speak for both of us."

"Sorry, but there will be no more sequels for you" Harpy said. He raised his gun, and then lowered it. A thunder could be heard from the north, and a cloud of dust was growing closer. He raised his gun, but lowered it again. "What is it?"

"The last Amigo" Happy said as he laughed. "And he's brought a little help."

At the north end of the street another mob appeared, led by Ned. The others on horseback oddly enough wore suits, somewhat dusty from the ride. They rode to a stop behind Happy and Dusty and dismounted. Ned strode up and whispered to his two friends. They all turned to face the troublemakers.

Ned pulled out a paper and read. "By order of the North American Screen Teamsters Independent Entertainment Society, the Tres Caballeros are hereby ordered to disband immediately and refrain from unlawful use of the infringed rights of Goldsmith Pictures and its intellectual properties, executed by the 12th Court of Appeals and countersigned by Harry Flugleman."

"What?" asked Harpy.

"It means" Happy explained "that you are shut down. Finished. Disbanded."

"I know my rights; we are a parody, and therefore are exempt from your court order. Good try."

"No" Happy continued as he snapped his fingers. One of the suited men handed him a paper. "Your portrayal, however much a parody, has caused harm to the value and reputation of our franchise. You are now libel for all damages associated with the loss of goodwill and future revenue from ticket sales and other income streams due to your so-called 'parody'."

Dusty snapped his fingers and another suited man handed him a paper. "And you are also hereby served with an injunction to stop shooting people, until such time as your own government feels that you have been rehabilitated to the point you create original characters to continue your malicious acts." The suited man strode up to the Tres Caballeros and took their guns. The mob began to grumble.

Ned snapped his fingers again and a different suited man handed him a paper. "Your use of our theme song also constitutes an actionable offense; as owners of the actual musical tune you have to forfeit half of all your income while singing the song to us."

"But we sing that song before we go into every town!" Harpy complained.

"So we'll have to slap a lien on your hacienda, your possessions and your horses until the accounts are settled." An army of suited men walked over and grabbed the reins of the mob's horses.

Desperation sounded in Harpy's voice. "Senors, I implore you; can't we work this out?"

"Well…" Happy drew said as he drew the word out slowly. "Have you ever considered working in the movies?"

"What?"

…

Later that evening, as the town hosted a barbecue for the heroes, Happy explained what happened to the citizens of Santa Poco. "We told your town before that you have to use your strengths to defeat your enemies. We are only three men, not enough to defeat a mob with the same trick as last time. But we have something on our side this time that we didn't before."

"The law?" Carmen asked.

"No, we had the law before. But this time we had lawyers, and a powerful boss who wasn't willing to give up without sending other people here to fight his battles. We sent Ned to fly to a nearby town to send a telegram, and we used our plan to overwhelm the Tres Caballeros with legal maneuvers instead of guns."

"So all those men in suits were lawyers? How many does your boss have?"

"Not that many. There was actually only one lawyer and the rest were actors, stage hands and extras that were dressed up to look official. All that legal talk was made up too; Goldsmith Pictures doesn't have any copyright protection for our pictures in Mexico."

"Remarkable" Juan said as he shook his head. "So what becomes of the Tres Caballeros?"

"They signed contracts to work for Goldsmith Pictures" Ned answered. "We'll start them out as stunt doubles for the ones we ran off; eventually they'll take our place and become the Nuevo Amigos."

"In the meantime, we'll start vacationing here more often and in a couple years we'll retire to Santa Poco; I understand there's a nice hacienda available nearby that's been recently abandoned" Dusty said as he hugged Benita.

"Once again we are in your debt. Here is all we have" Juan offered as he tossed Ned a bag of coins.

Ned examined the bag and drew out three coins before tossing it back. "Our Reward is that justice has been done. Except expenses. We need to cover those."

"Wherever there is injustice, you'll find us" Happy started.

"Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there" Ned chipped in.

"Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find…the Three Amigos" Dusty finished as they did their signature salute.

"That raises a good point" Juan brought up. "Do you actually bring the injustice, suffering, and lack of liberty with you or is it just destiny that you find it where you go? I mean, it's a valid question. If you stayed in one place would it stay with you?" The crowd started to murmur their questions too.

"It's a metaphor" Happy answered. "In the meantime, can we at least sleep under a roof tonight?"

The End

* * *

 **A/N: This was one of my late brother-in-law's favorite films. It was a bit like Bill and Ted and another guy in the old west, but it had it's moments. I hope he would have liked this sequel, where they get a chance to go back to Santa Poco. I tried to make the characters true to their movie versions.  
**


End file.
